As children move through adolescence, they can go through stages where they communicate poorly with defiance, anger, and disrespect, and parents are left with those same negative emotions themselves. During these times parents should take a step back, try to find any reasons or causes for the issues, then work to help the family find positive solutions.

As children move through adolescence, they can go through stages where they communicate poorly with defiance, anger, and disrespect, and parents are left with those same negative emotions themselves. During these times parents should take a step back, try to find any reasons or causes for the issues, then work to help the family find positive solutions.

Slamming doors, yelling, talking back, and disrespecting rules can all be signs that a child is angry or even scared about something. Many times it is not even the parent who is at the heart of the true issues, but instead the person who receives the brunt of it. This can be because children sometimes feel safer venting to someone who has always loved them because the risk of losing them can feel less. If a problem with a friend is the root cause, it might be too intimidating to unleash those feelings on the friend for fear of losing the friendship permanently. Even though the parent might not be the intended target, it is still a behavior that needs to be addressed so that more positive ways to communicate those feelings can be learned.

Once parents look objectively at root causes for their children's actions, there are many things that can be done to turn the behaviors around. Often the cause will help determine what the resolution should be. If a child is having difficulty in a class and acting out at home because of frustration, helpful ways to improve the classroom situation are warranted. Meetings with teachers, extra help with homework, or even altering class schedules might be positive ways to counteract the frustration.

Children who speak disrespectfully to parents might be just going through stages of adolescent development where they are trying to determine who they are and at the same time rejecting any outside control. While this can be a common phase, it does not mean that it should be tolerated by parents. Instead, parents should calmly lay ground rules for communication within the family when there is not a tense situation already in progress. Talking about expectations and rules, as well as consequences for breaking them, should happen during positive, calm discussions, and should happen more than once.

It can be frustrating for parents to be on the receiving ends of these negative and defiant behaviors, but it is extremely important that they do not resort to the same tactics. This will only increase the level of the argument or behavior and not provide real solutions. Sometimes the best strategy for a parent is to tell the child that the behavior is unacceptable, frustrating, and will not be tolerated. The parent can then tell the child that when everyone has calmed down and can speak respectfully the issue will be discussed. This gives the child the opportunity to calm down and regain some self-control while still allowing the parent to follow through with realistic consequences that are not filled with anger. Sometimes in the heat of the moment it can be too easy for a parent to declare a punishment that they know is extreme, such as no cell phone ever again. This then leaves the parent in a position of backing down and it teaches the child that the consequences are negotiable and not always applied.

When parents invest time and efforts into discovering why their children are angry or defiant, there is greater likelihood that solutions can be found. Children will learn to model calm and reasonable actions and communication strategies when their parents can provide these.